Dans le ciel des nuages flottaient comme des cheveaux en courant.
Les bateaux de peche ascende et descende gentillement
Des cries entendus des oiseax, les fleurs qui fleurissent,
Les ballades insensibles des insectes chantaient
Et moi, humaine, inondee par des pensees.
Veteran of many psychic battles, dodger of indoctrination bombs.
Preserver of human psychic attributes, mercenary of thought meme hyper space
Messenger in the battle of the sexes, sounds and language defy weapons and tools
Defending the innocents of the earth from splintering word weapons of demoniac overlords
Turned Medusa’s head sent to slay against those who sent it
Trained by seasoned warriors, ducking as sense and expression collided, skip, tuck and roll
As love and hate annihilated, words, words of pain, pleasure, wrenching the brain in twain
And cleave the heart like butter; words of love and reconciliation healed again
My fissioned nuclear family in search of kin, my wider socio-historic context
An identity in a world of slip-shod half-cast sentiment, threatened by and sharing
Greater manifestation of cosmic ailments, intellectual rigour transfixed my grin
Faith and trust a strong arm touched on and on, fear of the body desired leaps of knowledge
Gifts given in good trust and passed to friends for safe keeping, as I too must.
Pans into a new juncture of being survival tactics hardened in a harsh uncaring world
Weakened state I lay near dying inner soul shrivelled up, integrity and freedom stolen
Enough I set out to give away all I possessed, like Buddha, I did not realise my soul could be sucked dry
All the richness of upbringing, so full of character and emotion, always something new,
Some transcendence into relative states of being; metamorphosis of shared soul experiences
Later when it paled and sickened, life became a grim battle to hold onto one formula, one expression
None of the old masks would fit, the magic charade had turned full circle, and I, bereft and lonely,
Mocked by my own shadow, the milky-white Alphito reflecting the face of a pale doomed moon
Sickened by the blood-lack from all the circling vampires. Forced to beg yet still preserve my inheritance,
I found my undermined face could not be propped-up, an inner denial forced the precinct of the law upon me
A metaphysical contradiction became a literal distinction, thick fog replacing clarity.
These memories come to me from an ancient time, re-awakened in primitive soul of early man:
A sense of wonder at every new day, pictures from the past thread a needle and mend the torn today
Walking jigsaw fissures, to spot the truth-Beneath, glorious, mysterious, melodramatic
Down and out in the splendor of creation, wandering from field to field, from scene to scene,
Life no act but becoming one with the inner SOUL, strong, stronger than the roar of engines,
Stronger than the hypnotic flickering lights; ejected with the might of the crashing wave,
The blazing flash of lightening, the tumultuous hurricane; between my manhood and nature
Silver grey and gold threads of ethereal light
I know I am bounded by this, my planet
Head de-educated, no longer barriers no longer other people’s rules, instead fullness and serendipity.
The inner landscape of myth and trance transposed upon the outer world of percipients experience
Soul seeking the Synthesis of divine and worldly, manifold and unity, inner and outer thought and expression.
“First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain” the wise words of the bard said.
The price of this freedom? Only sanity- no way to explain or cover up, bare naked soul before all in awe
Numbness creeping in, others I mocked, yet I had really stepped outside my own thought bubble
To try to breath the rarefied air of spiritual ecstasy, returned changed forever, so could laugh,
At the vanity of those who had never been outside, and sympathise with those content with their lot, however meagre.
Transferring my mind I could live inside trees, stones, transfer my consciousness into any part of my being
Walk in perfect bliss of meditation, balance, precision, perception, ecstatically grounded feet beneath me and know,
I was a real person. I would have stayed, nature’s perfect child; had not the weighty learning of my books brought me back
In Tir-nan-Og I could have gratefully remained, woods man and wild man protected perhaps by conservation decrees!
I had taken a sip from nature’s special cup and knew nothing on earth could destroy that being I had become
Then the soul stealers nicked my favourite gag and said,
Here’s a ping-pong ball; live inside it.
no star to guide me, agony threads closed percipience were torn apart,
Blank eyed wall staring blankly at me
Rape of sensations a barrage of pain,
Wrenched agonisingly and spread before me
Silence Life space emptyness ether
Every day pain
My psyche scurried from one persona to another,
My very luminescence,
My scaffold was built from the fellow patients closed to me
I was trapped, doomed by
My own psyche, from which I was duly hanged.
Trapped apart, twisted bone from bone,
No walls, yet locked and looted every door
The wild man was slain, no part remained.
Torn apart this subhuman,
Gone was the Song of Silence which I had carried with me
Replaced by the jingle jangle jinx of the latest pop tune, the new perimeters of my experience
Hurried for months in my head like a destroying child
Copyright © Christopher J. Hudson 1996